homeless

Boston Street Retreat: August 2023

Wendy homeless, retreat, social justice , , , , 0 Comment
MBTA red line subway train arriving at platform

Five weeks ago I waved good-bye to the last of my seven companions. We were parting ways after four days and nights of living on the streets of Boston and Cambridge. Peter stepped onto the subway platform, the doors closed, and as the train resumed its journey I wondered about my own. I’d been taken to a new space where old rules and outworn habits had been stripped away.

Now what?

I’m still answering that question several weeks later. Our facilitator Joshin Byrnes recommended a soft landing of spaciousness instead of creating a narrative prematurely, and I’ve taken that advice to heart.

How long does it take for a rose to recognize the effect of a blind woman dipping her nose into its bloom and breathing deeply? When does snow understand how it has changed after a skier lays parallel tracks through pine trees?

At this point I have inklings, which I’ll share in blog posts as they form a more definitive shape. Before I offer my first inkling, I think it would be helpful to explain what, exactly, a Street Retreat is.

In 1994, a Zen Buddhist named Bernie Glassman led the first street retreat in Washington D.C., contemplating the question of what to do to serve those rejected by society, those in poverty and those with AIDS. Afterwards he and his wife established the Zen Peacemaker Order, “a religious order with a strong social action component that would bear witness on the streets, at sites of atrocity, and meet the troubles of the world,” as described on the Zen Peacemakers website.

“I want to figure out how to learn from those who have suffered in a certain way, even though I can’t fully enter that realm. So we go on the streets. I know we aren’t homeless and I make that quite clear. At the same time those who came will experience something that is closer to that world than those who haven’t been there. This is the meaning of ‘bearing witness.’ It’s like entering a church knowing you’re not God or the priest. But you will experience something different from someone who stays out of the church or someone who is just hired to fix the roof.”

– Bernie Glassman 

Joshin Barnes, the founder of Bread Loaf Mountain Zen Community and a former student of Bernie, has led many, many Street Retreats throughout the United States. As the facilitator of the Boston Street Retreat in August 2023, Joshin brought a calm, mindful and clear consciousness that almost immediately helped me to feel at ease. Sitting in a circle on the Cambridge Commons with my new companions that first day, meditating and then sharing during Council, the earth beneath me felt solid, the trees around me protective. Trust surprised me with its gentle bloom.

That’s not to say I thought the experience would be easy. In my backpack I carried a blanket, a print-out of the chants we would use throughout the four days, a pen and small notebook, a tube of sunscreen, a floppy hat, Nanopuff pullover and rain poncho. No money. No credit card. No phone. No change of clothes or hygiene products. Not even a tooth brush. I was entirely at the mercy of Joshin, my companions and the citizens of Boston and Cambridge. What would that mercy look like?

Although we intended to find nourishment at soup kitchens, we would not stay overnight in any shelters, even if eight beds had miraculously been available. We would sleep on hard surfaces. Or at least attempt to sleep. I was pretty sure sleep would not come easily for me. How much of a zombie would I be after being deprived of sleep for four days and nights? None of us had a tent. We would be exposed.

At this point you may well be wondering why I signed up for this experience. When I first read about the Street Retreat, deep down I knew I needed to participate. For more than a decade I’ve served people on the margins, including those who are homeless, offering a loving presence, food, beverages and an ear to hear their troubles and celebrations. In return I’ve received a greater understanding of homelessness and contributing factors. And I’ve always returned to a home with a refrigerator, running water and a cozy bed. I’ve wondered how people manage to live on the streets. And what it would be like to beg. As I imagined the Street Retreat, my enthusiasm quickly shifted to apprehension.

It took four months for me to work up the courage to sign up for the August 2023 Street Retreat in Boston. How many months will it take to gain a full awareness of the significance of this retreat?

Take everything

Wendy social justice , , , , , 2 Comments
image of graffiti

Little did I know when I saw this graffiti on May 13 that in two weeks, looting and burning of buildings would spread like wildfire throughout Minneapolis and St. Paul. I was returning from a walk through the Bruce Vento sanctuary, lush with vibrant shades of green, turtles basking on rocks, redwing blackbirds balancing on cattails gently swayed by the breeze.

I missed that day what the breeze was telling me.

image of graffiti

Take everything

Those two words carry new meanings and nuances in light of the George Floyd murder by police on May 25, the outrage that it triggered, and the rioting which quickly followed.

“Take everything” may have been the slogan of looters. Was their smashing of windows motivated by a sense of lack? An attempt to redistribute wealth? Anger toward the dominant culture? Maybe a stolen lamp serves as a symbol of taking matters into one’s hands instead of continuing the long, agonizing wait for a more equal society where no one lacks food or housing. Tragically, those most affected by the looting and destruction are people of color who lost businesses, jobs, and services in their neighborhood, such as grocery stores and drugstores. 

Image showing a firefighter and police in Minneapolis
Photo by David Joles

“Let my building burn!” That’s how Ruhel Islam responded to the destruction of his restaurant, Gandhi Mahal. For Ruhel, “take everything” points the sacrifice he is willing to make for an end to police brutality. “Let my building burn, justice needs to be served, put those officers in jail.” The Gandhi Mahal building, heavily damaged on May 28th, burned to the ground the following day after the Minneapolis’ Third Precinct caught fire. Ruhel’s daughter Hafsa wrote on social media, “Gandhi Mahal May have felt the flames last night, but our firey drive to help protect and stand with our community will never die! Peace be with everyone. #JusticeforGeorgeFloyd #BLM”

An affordable housing unit under construction burned to the ground on the first night of protesting. I stared at the news in disbelief. Too many people living on the streets in Minneapolis desperately need housing. How is perpetuating oppression an answer to the grief over George Floyd’s last minutes of life? Surely “take everything” isn’t urging us to strip all hope from those in need.

Haven’t we taken far too much already? 

In spite of my limited perspective from the space of middle-aged whiteness, I do understand that Mr. Floyd’s murder alone did not combust into violence and destruction on May 26. It merely sparked kindling piled sky high from centuries of white supremacy. 

Awful as it is to imagine, it’s possible my ancestors had a hand in taking Africans from their communities, their land, their livelihood. We took everything from them except the one thing we couldn’t touch: their spirit. Now, more than a century after “emancipation,” it’s as if we white folks still hold a grudge against Blacks because they didn’t give us every damn thing they had. 

When the white settlers arrived on the shores of what would become the United States of America, they followed narrow-minded greed into the newly discovered land, lush with resources. The settlers blindly assumed this abundance had been created specifically for them, for the taking. This arrogance continues to this day, with the government once again taking back land it had “given” to indigenous people. This time, it’s from Native Americans in the San Carlos Apache Indian Reservation – Oak Flat – for copper mining interests. 

photo of protester in Washington, D.C.
Photo by Steve Pavey

How is that Blacks and Native Americans are still alive? Do overtly racist white people hate them because they refuse to be exterminated? And those of us who don’t think of ourselves as racist – why have we remained silent in the face of oppression?

Take everything

A homeless man in my neighborhood carries all of his possessions in a daypack and two plastic bags. He takes everything he has with him, wherever he goes. Amazingly, Dave seems content. I bring him cold water and food, and we talk for a bit, sharing stories about our lives. As he sits, all day long, patiently waiting for the shelter to open later that night, Dave prays.

Psalm 23 comes to mind: the lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. I’m not blind to the possibility that Dave entered my life as a reminder of how much I want, how often I forget to trust in “enough.”

During the rioting I worried that the condo under construction beside the building in which I live would be an easy target for arson. Large gaping holes not yet filled by windows seemed to invite a molotov cocktail. Laying in bed, in the dark, listening to the thump-thump-thump of national guard helicopters overhead and the wail of sirens in the streets below, I wondered which of my belongings I would grab in my escape from fire. Everything I’ve acquired and placed throughout my living and working space would go up in flames. All of the artwork I’ve created would turn into ash. My sanctuary from the outside world would crumble. Would I be woke enough to echo Ruhel’s words? “Let my home burn, justice needs to be served, dismantle white supremacy, end police brutality and racism so that all may have life, liberty and happiness.”

I’d like to think that I would. If I’m honest, though, I’m not so sure. 

take everything

What am I willing to give up? How much am I willing to let go of? What is the social cost of my own security if people of color aren’t safe in this country? Those are some of the questions I’m pondering. While I’m personally not taking anything from people of color – rather, I focus on giving – I’m unwittingly participating in a social structure that continuously takes, takes, takes. Instead, I need to take something different. I need to take action. I need to take steps toward change. Lasting change.

image showing a wishbone and pottery

One thing I would save from flames in my home is a tiny grouse wishbone, which my beloved Val gave to me in 2014, the year before he died. I haven’t made a wish yet. I’m saving it for just the right time.

It could very well be that the right time is now.

Day 1: Gut and mind reset

Wendy ayurveda , 0 Comment

The monodiet I started today is doing far more than resetting my digestive system. It’s also messing with my mindset.

figure-praying-mung-dal

A monodiet of kitchari– a combination of mung dal, white basmati rice, and spices – is an easily digestible food that helps to bring the digestive system back into balance. For the mind, however, it’s quite difficult to digest. At least it has been for me, both this time and the reset I did two months ago.

Ktichari on a dish

You might think that day 2 is more difficult than day 1, and day 3 more difficult than both combined. Each day presents its own challenges, in its own way. Which is what shifts this experience into spiritual practice: it invites an increased awareness as well as an objectivity in noticing the turmoil, then letting it go, and in the process, inching ever closer to one’s true self. Over and over and over again.

Day 1 is all about cravings. My culinary options are drastically limited, which is a significant departure from my middle class norm. When I’m hungry, I typically have the wherewithal to consider what, exactly, would taste good, and then pull it from the cupboard or refrigerator. On day 1 of the monodiet, I’m spending a considerable amount of time thinking about what I can’t eat and how dissatisfied I am with the mung dal and rice. Even with the spices, it’s fairly bland, compared to my usual flavorful diet.

It doesn’t take long to recognize how privileged I am. This monodiet is a choice I’ve made. I’m not in a refugee camp or a homeless shelter. I’m not living on the streets, grazing for food that’s been discarded by someone else as garbage. I don’t subsist on my own grown food, in an area where drought or flooding has ruined my crops. No, I live in the land of plenty, although plenty is available only for the privileged.

homeless person holding a sign asking for help
Photo by A McLin (https://www.flickr.com/photos/37486024@N03/4431449020/)

For some reason, my body responds poorly to gluten and cow dairy, which I’m usually successful in avoiding. Thanksgiving and Christmas upended my regimen – hence the need for a reset. I wonder how people who are homeless cope with food sensitivities or allergies – assuming they have them. Maybe a life of privilege predisposes us to reacting oddly to food; the inability to digest our own inauthentic thoughts may be the root cause. At any rate, those of us who don’t have access to a kitchen can’t be too picky about the food that miraculously comes our way. I recall the look of disgust on the face of a woman who had once been a vegetarian, but in the troubled circumstances of her life at that time, ate the ham sandwich offered to her at a community meal.

I’ll take the kitchari over a ham sandwich, easy peasy. But I’m working on letting go of my attachment to a banana. And negotiating whether or not it would be acceptable to add the banana to my monodiet on day 3. Just the banana! Not the dark chocolate or the granola bars or the….

Jesus Is a Hobo

Wendy homeless, Jesus , , , 0 Comment
Jesus Is a Hobo

I met a hobo with dark hair and a black eye. He said his name was Scott. It was a hot July day in St. Paul, temperature in the 90s, and Scott was sitting in the shade of a bridge under the freeway. The path I was on divided him from the train tracks. As I rolled past on my bicycle we made eye contact and greeted one another.

That could easily have been the end of the story. When I’m on foot or riding a bicycle I often greet those whom I encounter, then never see them again.

Jesus is a hobo on a fast freight outta Denver,
huddled up under a twin stack his back
against the rain.

Back in the sunlight, an inner voice told me to bring water back to Scott. Maybe a little food, too. I’d like to say that I responded to this voice without hesitation. However, as is often the case, another voice countered with excuses. “He won’t be there when you get back. It’s a waste of your time. He’s a hobo, he knows how to take care of himself.” Usually that voice prevails.

Not this time.

At home I filled a bottle with water and placed that and an apple and a banana in my pannier. Almost an hour later I approached the bridge, half expecting Scott to be gone, but he was sitting in the very same spot. “Would you like some water?” I asked. Scott eagerly stood up and navigated his way through the rock bed to accept my offer. “Thank you for your kindness,” he said, reaching with a misshapen hand. His forefinger stopped at the knuckle and his fourth finger ended at the top joint. Frostbite? I didn’t ask.

He’s hoping to make the west coast
his food is running low.
He’s been traveling on these roads
for 2000 years or more.

Although his skin was tanned dark, I noticed a dark circle around his left eye. Scott thanked me for the water. I asked if he was just passing through. “Just waiting for the train. Headed for Michigan,” he said, adding that he was looking forward to cleaning up when he got there. Scott’s coveralls were fairly clean. Only his stringy hair and dirty fingernails gave him away as someone who had not showered lately. I pulled the apple out of the pannier and said I’d brought bananas, too. The wheels of a train heading toward St. Paul squealed, making it difficult to hear one another. Scott eyed the apple, then said, “No, thanks, I’m good,” which wasn’t surprising since he had only a few teeth, and with exposed roots long and brown, those teeth looked to be soon outward bound.

I told Scott I’d seen him when I had ridden past earlier. “You seemed like a nice man and I wanted to bring you food and water.” He looked at me with a sideways glance as if to size me up: was this woman who arrived on a bicycle for real? I’m not always the best judge of character. But the few minutes I’d spent with Scott confirmed my intuition. He was polite and thoughtful, offering his hand when I asked his name. He spoke economically, disinclined to chat. Scott scrambled up the inclined slab of concrete, back to his perch beside a flat day pack, sat down and looked at me, not unkindly.

Jesus is a hobo in a jungle near LA,
where nobody really knows him even if they know his face.
They’ll stare into his eyes
a disciple from the past
but the moment’s gone and lost
in the engine’s long low whine.

The next day I ran on the same path, wondering if I would see Scott. Coming around the corner I saw only concrete where Scott had been sitting. I imagined him on a train headed East and felt relief over not having to concern myself anymore with his welfare. The trail did not loop so I returned the same way, and this time Scott was sitting under the same bridge, but closer to the bike path. He was leaning over, possibly vomiting. “Scott!” I called out. “Are you ok?” He lifted his head as if startled. “Yeah.” He paused. “I haven’t eaten in 30 days,” he said, his voice soft and weak. It didn’t seem possible for him to be mobile if he hadn’t eaten in 30 days. I probably misheard him. But clearly he needed food. I said I would bring him something and asked what he would like “Anything,” was his answer. “Ok,” I’ll be back shortly,” I said. “Thank you, sweetheart,” was Scott’s answer.

What is the best food for a man who hasn’t eaten in many days and has hardly any teeth? Why did Scott have no food? Why was he still in St. Paul, watching the trains but not hopping on one? Why, of all the people who passed by, am I the one who is helping him? Why did I not pull the bananas out of my pannier for Scott the day before? Why did I have a surplus of food, but Scott did not?

At home I spread peanut butter on gluten free bread and looked for other soft food I could bring: energy bars, blueberries. I filled a water bottle. At a nearby restaurant I pondered the menu. Salmon? Eggs? Potatoes? I settled on an egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich on a croissant. The man needed calories.

Jesus is a hobo, he never left us here,
caught a fast one from Calvary
and he’s been riding ever since.

Scott had moved to a spot in the sun, closer to the bicycle path. He turned as I approached, then nodded, remaining seated on the pavement, a pack of cigarettes within arm’s reach. I crouched beside him, handing him food pulled from my pannier. Scott surprised me by putting his arm around my shoulders and thanking me. “I got jumped,” he said, pointing to the left side of his face. I saw now that his cheek had been cut open and was scabbed over. “I’ve been resting here, trying to heal.” His vulnerability stunned me. What would it be like to attacked and lose what few belongings I had? How would I trust that the food and water offered by a stranger was safe to eat? At what age is a hobo too old to expose himself to the evils of the world? I wondered if the ride to Michigan would be Scott’s last.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked, hoping he would say yes. It wasn’t that I had tired of helping him. My heart was overflowing with sorrow.

Jesus is a hobo riding south outta St. Paul
seeing a cathedral through the snowflakes
and bracing against the cold.
When he gets to Rock Island maybe there he’ll let ‘em know
that underneath his coveralls he wears a purple robe.

Back at the artist cooperative where I live, I rode the elevator with a neighbor and told him briefly about helping Scott. My neighbor stiffened. “They’re everywhere,” he said. He was right. At any time of day I can find a homeless person within minutes of leaving my building.

The name of every one of them is Jesus.

Yr gonna need me, yr gonna need me
But can you find me, where you look.
Yr gonna need me, yr gonna need me
You can’t always see the truth.

“Jesus Is a Hobo” is one of my favorite songs by Charlie Parr.